First Suspicions, Proved Correct

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, who happens
to be my favorite composer.

While taking a shower last night, some words and melody came to me as they often do, and I began to take to memory the music. By the time I finished taking the shower, I had written the first verse. When I got back to my room, I wrote it down, and then the chorus came to me, but I just couldn't complete the second verse until this evening. I had all but two lines dones. Today, however, as I dug through my drawer looking for a pair of earrings, I came across the notebook that was still marked with the page of the unfinished song. I sat down, scrounged around for another pen, and finished it. I may write the guitar part tomorrow. I can hear it in my head right now, weaving around the melody, but I haven't had a chance to put pen to paper and compose the exact chords. The song is called "First suspicion, proved correct." Enjoy.

I’ve been broken before, I’ve been torn,

I’ve been beaten to the ground.

I have followed in the steps of giants

whose passing barely made a sound.

It’s a strange world our fathers gave us,

it’s a hard road our mothers made for us,

and sometimes things just don’t work out.

Though I tried to be there for you

and lost myself in search of you,

I know the greater truth now:

It wasn’t worth the pain,

nor was it worth the time.

I should have stopped before I started,

for you were never mine.

I have been here before, now once more,

and I finally learned this time.

I’ve been lost in the woods, but always could

find my way home alright.

So armed with all of my memories,

I will not spin these fantasies,

and one day, I’ll be glad we’re through.

Until then, I’ll bite my tongue,

remind myself you’re not the one,

and, only in my dreams, be with you.

It wasn’t worth the pain,

nor was it worth the time.

I should have stopped when I suspected

that you were never mine.

No, you were never really mine.

Tarot Reading for a New Semester

"Six of Cups" by Stephanie Lee

Since it’s the start of a new semester, I did a tarot reading to project what the semester will be like, what challenges I may face, and just in general find out what’s ahead of me academically, physically, militarily, and in my personal life. I just did a four card spread for the reading and used my Celtic Tarot deck. I pulled one card for each area of my life. The first card I pulled signified the academic realm of the coming semester, and it was Five of Chalices (or Cups), which in my deck is symbolic of sacrifice, and can warn of problems brought on by one’s own actions, such as rebelling against limitations. However, the positive aspect of this card can also signify new experiences and surprises, variety, knowledge questing, and creative activities. Thus, I interpreted this card to be a warning for me not to let my fun get in the way of my studies, or else I’ll regret it. One possible consequence would be my grades dropping too low for me to get into my grad school of choice a few years down the road. So. Taking that one to heart.

The second card I pulled, which signified the military aspects of my life, was a little more difficult for me to interpret. It was the Knave (or Prince, or Princess, or Page) of Pentacles, and it was reversed. It was the only card in my reading that came up reversed. For those of you unfamiliar with tarot, reversed refers to when a card is pulled from the deck upside down. On a quick side note, my method of tarot isn’t necessarily orthodox as far as tarot goes. I shuffle the cards, face-side down, by laying them out on a desk or rug and just moving them around with my hands, usually in circles, but making sure that they are thoroughly mixed. I shuffle this way for three reasons. First and foremost, I can’t shuffle as a normal deck of playing cards would be shuffled. Second, I don’t want to bend the cards or otherwise alter their form through shuffling too roughly. Finally, it allows some of the cards to be reversed and some to be upright in a pretty even ratio, so the number that actually turn out reversed in the spread is always interesting. I shuffle until they feel “done” to me, which usually is after a few minutes. I then reassemble them, focusing on my problem or question. When the stack is all in order, I cut it twice to make three separate piles, then reassemble those in reverse and draw straight from the top in the order of whatever predetermined layout I decided on.

Now, back to this particular reading. In my deck, the Knave of Pentacles is the Mage, and the reversed card could imply delayed communications and obstacles. It could also imply learning by doing, a very hands-on process, but a process that may be self-taught. Thus, I interpreted this as evidence of what I pretty much already know. I’m a Platoon Leader this semester, and during the academic year, communications are key (and usually problematic). I also don’t receive much guidance, so everything I’ve been doing and will likely continue to do, is pretty much self-generated. I am the ruler in my tiny little kingdom. We’ll see how this one plays out, I suppose. I’ve been meaning to look up more information about that particular card to see if other resources can give me any further insights.

The third card, which represented the physical realm of this semester, was the Nine of Chalices. This card in the Celtic Tarot corresponds to Awakening, and the imagery on the card is pretty traditional if you’re accustomed to more popular decks. It depicts a robust and older man in regal attire, lounging casually on castle steps with six chalices behind him and three in front. The three chalices in the foreground contain wine. This card signifies blessings, goal fulfillment, satisfaction, reward, contentment, all good things. Thus, I interpreted it to mean that I’ll enjoy good health this semester and reach my physical goals, which incidentally include losing 10 lbs. However, I’m going to keep in mind the imagery of the card itself, which may imply gaining some weight if I’m too indulgent and not careful.

The fourth and final card I pulled, corresponding to my personal and emotional life, was the Six of Chalices, which signifies Amazement. This card, according to Tarot for a New Generation by Janina Renee (book available here), implies a “relaxed and prosperous time following a period of insecurity,” as well as an emphasis on recreational and social events, making new friends and reuniting with old ones, and in general, feeling loved and protected in your relationships. It may also imply (like so many other tarot cards seem to) a new romance, and in particular, a harmonious one. Through a connection with the number “six,” this card can also be linked to the major arcane card VI: The Lovers. This card, with its depiction of two happy children playing in a garden, also implies an idealized past. That all sounds like it bodes well to me. I’m curious which direction this aspect of my life will take, and how the implications of this specific card will manifest.

However, those were not the only cards I looked at in this reading. While I was shuffling, before I even had laid out the spread, two cards flipped themselves over. They did not flip over at the same time, but just in the process. I’m pretty careful when shuffling, so when a card flips or falls off, I consider it something outside of my reading, but that still needs to be seen and taken into account with the other cards. The first card that revealed itself during the shuffling process was the Four of Wands, which signifies Concord in the Celtic Tarot deck. The second card was the Queen of Wands, which signifies Whim. These cards I interpreted separately from the spread, and also as general guidance when taken with the actual four-card spread. The Four of Wands predicts happiness and a good life, and that one is on the right road to obtaining one’s desires. The Queen of Wands implies many things, but I took it as a prediction of success in a leadership position, confidence, and general capability, but to also serve as yet another caution to not overindulge. The Queen of Wands can also represent a warning to not take out one’s wrath on others, which I know is a weakness of mine.

Overall, I found this reading a pretty positive one, and I hope the semester turns out with all the good things the cards foretell, and that I can heed the imbedded warnings well enough to avoid any overly negative outcomes. Of course, only time will tell.

Dream Catcher

My potentially defunkt (yet
still funky) dream catcher

We ran again this morning, this time with a larger group. It was equally as cold and windy, but a slightly different route. This one was pretty flat, and the run went at a much faster pace. The entire time I was thinking about how much it would suck if I was running barefoot. One of my friends was wearing the Vibram Five Fingers shoes, which I’ve been considering getting since it forces a more natural stride. Maybe it would help my knee pain when I run? The only issue, in my opinion, is the expense. I’m willing to go through the initial calf-pain of training up with the new shoes. Anywho…

I made a dream catcher recently to see if it helps me remember the good dreams and forget the nightmares. So far, it doesn’t seem to be doing its job. I made it out of leather, cotton yarn, some pheasant feathers, and a few natural beads from my collection (including a nugget of blue lace agate, a polished labradorite circle, a few shards of quartz, a nugget of carnelian, some little wooden spheres, a tube of carved copper, and a flat circle of mother of pearl). I used crochet thread and wire to attach the beads and feathers, and used the yarn to hold the leather bindings in place as well as to form the web within. I started the web by making a pentagram, and then filled in around that. The pieces that form the central pentagram are marked with the wooden beads. While it was a joy to craft, inhaling the scent of the incense and focusing on the simple weaving and looping and intertwining patterns, I’m not sure if I made it effective as a dream catcher just yet. I’ll bless the finished product in circle, I suppose, and maybe that will make a difference. It certainly won’t hurt.

According to Dream-Catchers.org, “Native Americans believe that the night air is filled with dreams both good and bad. The dream catcher when hung over or near your bed swinging freely in the air, catches the dreams as they flow by. The good dreams know how to pass through the dream catcher, slipping through the outer holes and slide down the soft feathers so gently that many times the sleeper does not know that he/she is dreaming. The bad dreams not knowing the way get tangled in the dream catcher and perish with the first light of the new day.”

Therefore, the reason I wonder about my dream catcher’s efficacy is because of the dreams I’ve been having upon my return to school. I’ve kept it hanging above my bed since it was finished the night before I left Virginia (need I mention the fabulousness of that state again?), but my dreams have been elusively forgettable still, and the snippets I have remembered have not been particularly pleasant. I think I got stabbed in one of them, but the nightmare has since faded from being too long awake. It was just one of those dreams that I woke up from feeling a little disturbed, and not in the good way that my forest dream did. Perhaps my Native American blood is too diluted to make a good enough dream catcher, or perhaps I just need an extra spark from my Deities to bind the bad dreams and keep the good. Hopefully any dream messages meant for me to unravel and understand will also know how to pass between the web.

Some Quick Ramblings

"Hunter's Dance," completed 01-01-11

I didn’t think it was possible, but this final semester might be even busier than the last. I’m beginning to think I’ll never actually have free time for as long as I’m in the Army. Oh well. I did, after all, volunteer for this lifestyle. At least while I was home I managed to turn my sharpie sketch from my dream into a proper painting. I'm happy with the way it turned out; aren't you?

Some of us went for a quick run this morning. It wasn’t anything too long or quick or challenging, just about 30 minutes worth of jogging and one big hill. It was absolutely freezing outside, and like an idiot I was wearing shorts, so my legs definitely got cold. The wind was pretty intense, especially when we were going up the hill, but that was expected given the time of year and location. Have I mentioned yet how much I hate New York? I’m thinking of doing a half-marathon near my hometown in early spring, and then another marathon not too far away from school sometime in May before I graduate and get the hell out of this terrible, cold, dreary state for(hopefully)ever.

I have a new toy! I’ve been trying to get my hands on a black stone scrying bowl for about two years now, because I just have a feeling that of all methods of divination, a black stone bowl filled with water and sprinkled with a little mugwort would work best for me. I can’t really explain it; it’s just something I’ve always felt drawn towards, and therefore, always wanted to try. It wasn’t too expensive, and although it’s kinda tiny, I think I’ll be able to practice with it and *maybe* get some results. When, that is, I have time. I fear time will always be my limiting factor. Oh Chronos, why can’t you be my friend?

Holidays, Twilight, and Forest Treks

"winter forest . deer" by Zi De Chen

This time of year is filled with a lot of familial obligations for me, as I imagine is the case for many others. In fact, I spent more time sitting through a Catholic mass to please the family than I was able to devote to my personal celebration of Yule. Even though my family is aware of my faith, and the fact that I'd been secretly practicing in high school and only decided to go "public" with it about a year ago, they expect me to go to church with them when I'm home. I got out of it last Sunday, but there was no way I could miss the Christmas Eve mass. So I went. And it wasn't that bad; I know the service inside and out (in my earlier days, I was an altar server, and I've done a lot of time singing in Catholic choirs). Of course, my heart isn't in it, nor has it been for years. Nevertheless, I enjoyed people watching and spending time with my brothers and father while mama sang in the choir. They have the same priest I grew up listening to, and although his homily wasn't quite as inspiring as it might have been if my faith still leaned that way, he's always a classy orator. I spent most of the mass trying to stay awake through the heat and the closeness and the presence of my youngest brother clinging ever to my side. Still. I made it through. I even made it through having drunk considerably less wine at dinner before mass than I had intended.

Even though Christmas Eve mass took up more of my time than I would have liked, I did have a nice little ritual on the night of the solstice, beneath a full moon lunar eclipse no less. One of my friends who also enjoys stargazing (not, incidentally, Stargazer) alerted me to the phenomenon, and so I worked it into my ritual and my altar layout. I set out my silk snowflake scarf, and, straying from my usual habit of bright scented votives, I lit a simple, spherical, white floating candle. To me, the display of the white wax suspended in a pear-shaped cup was quite evocative of the moon. I also have two crystal balls which I occasionally—not nearly often enough, as just holding either one in my hand, I can feel the power waiting to be unleashed—use to scry; one is of labradorite, which I use during the New Moons, and one is of clear quartz, which I use during the Full. For this, I set out both. I didn't do any scrying per se, but I did display the lovely spheres on my altar, corresponding with my two matron deities representations, as well as tokens for my totems, Raven and Wolf. The theme I focused on was the full moon eclipse, and so everything was a balance of dark and light. I've always considered myself to fall somewhere in the gray areas between, treading ever on the edge of light and shadow, in the twilight of dusk and dawn. As a warrior and as a huntress, the shadows are my place; as a priestess and a scholar, I require light for my work. Thus, I am the gray between.

Although I believe firmly that magic and mystery and power and love and all the forces I work with and produce come from within, I love the aesthetics of an altar, of my little Pagan tools and toys, of the wooden dagger hand-carved by a beloved old friend that I use as my athame. Even though I don't consider the material aspects of my practice integral to it, I like having them. I like making them. I make dream catchers and statues and jewelry and even the robes I wear. For the solstice ritual, I rocked a silver-set cabochon of rainbow moonstone dangling from snowy ribbon on my throat, and two matching moonstones suspended from my earlobes, with silver Celtic knots in my second ear piercings. To balance the light of the moonstones, I wore a jet cabochon ring and a bracelet of blackstone nuggets. Everything in balance. Light + Dark = Gray. Twilight. Dusk. Dawn. The in-between spaces of Spirits, and warrior-mystics who don't really know where, exactly, they should tread. I walk ever with one foot in and one foot out, and perhaps that is my destiny: to be always on the brink.

I won't go into details about the ritual itself. This Yule was a deeply personal one for me. I made my offerings, and I meditated, and I communed with my deities. A few days later, I went to the woods and finally communed with my trees. I didn't see my satyr friend from the dream when in the woods, but that was expected. I did see plenty of other wildlife, or at least evidence thereof. I sang pretty much the whole time, so apart from some lazy squirrels and birds smart enough to realize I wasn't carrying a gun, nothing went near me. There's still nothing like a day-old snow to prove that the forest is not remotely dead in winter. I followed deer tracks and fox trails, but I'll admit I paused when I saw the coyote footprints, and when I got to the prints of the black bear, I turned around and hightailed it to the trail that would take me back home. The crows, brothers to my Raven, warned me away from that one. However, ever curious soul that I am, I pressed further after their warnings…until I saw those bear prints and figured I should listen to my brother Crows after all. At first, having spent enough time in the woods to know that humans tend to be the most intrusive things there, I assumed they were just cawing at me. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. It doesn't matter either way.

Happy hunting, dwellers of shadow and light.